my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
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