it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
