I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
