If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
