Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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