I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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