I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
