38 yer olds are good kisserssss
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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