cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
