just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
