member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize