i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
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