she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
