I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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