Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Sorry my hands just texted you
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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