can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Randomize
