so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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