So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Randomize
