I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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