went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I just gift wrapped bread.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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