Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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