if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
