You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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