How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
