so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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