I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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