1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
