Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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