does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
