....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Randomize
