When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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