I wish life had little blips of pornography
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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