Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
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