My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Dignity is for republicans.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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