So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
