Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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