I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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