Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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