I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
