i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
the liver wants what the liver wants
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
