Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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