I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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