dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
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