Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
