I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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