I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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