Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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