she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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