you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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