Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
