My nipple is on Facebook.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
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