I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
