turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize