i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize