Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
