So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize