I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Send help, water and tortillas.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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