Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
