I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
