Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Never joke about your clitoris.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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