I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
