we're chasing vodka with high fives
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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