I must be too annoying 4 u.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
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